The Iguana Way
Compiled by Melissa Kaplan, 1994
There is a dearth of information on the peculiar metaphysics of iguanas, specifically their religion and their beliefs about the ultimate goals of iguana life. To fill this aching void, I offer this on the Iguana iguana way of life, called Iguana Points. This system has only a few rules (since, after all, were talking about creatures whose brain size approximates that of a kumquat), but it is the Way of Life for all self-respecting members of this iguanid species.
Iguana Heaven is in Ecuador. Iguana Hell is a 10-gallon tank with a hot rock in a 12 year old's dark bedroom who thinks that fruit cocktail (in heavy syrup) is excellent iguana food and who likes playing basketball with his pets. Literally. No iguana wants to die with insufficient Iguana Points and end up in Iguana Hell. Therefore, competition is fierce amongst these scaled beasts. With some patience and understanding on your part, you may help your iguana achieve his or her goal. While there is no direct proof that humans who cause their iguanas to end up in Iguana Hell do not themselves end up in an Eternity spent handling big, untamed iguanas whose claws have never been clipped, why chance it?
Tanith Tyrr, who found information on iguana behavior and motivation lacking, researched iguana behavior and discovered the code of behavior by which iguanas live. Herewith is her contribution to the literature, with a few additions and amendments of my own and contributions from Suzy Miller and Leafy, Her Green Wickedness, Karl (who apparently has been doing a bit of furniture rearranging!), Tammy and Spike, and Pam Goda.
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