Melissa Kaplan's
Herp Care Collection
Last updated January 1, 2014

You Might Be A Herper If...

Part III

Compiled by Melissa Kaplan buy gallons of bottled water for her, but fill your own glass at the tap

... you hear that hissing sound and run to the kitchen to see if someone's using the pressure pot... OH, no!... that was just the atrox wanting to have the neighboor's cat for dinner. go to the pet shop and ask the boy to pick you about ten small crickets, about other ten medium sized and another ten huge ones. visit the pet shop and get ticked off at that description label that says "common frog" instead of Hyla eximia. don't go on a second date with someone if you discover they don't like reptiles.

... you cried when they killed the Anaconda in the movie... watch The Lord of the Rings repeatedly and try classifying the Balrog...

...and of course you wish the rattlesnakes kill all the stupid humans in that early 90's movie about rattlesnakes. watch an Animal Planet show and you know those snakes did not belong in the wild because you could see the missing scale on their nose tip from continous bumping against the terrarium glass. have to face an angry crowd calling you black magic witch at the local chicken market after asking for eggs that contained embrios... what!? You just needed food for your precious Heloderma (this really happened!).

...If you spent a lot of time on the "herp shui" of your reptile room (ig up high, monitor down low, bookcases built into the wall, bookcase built under sunny window for ig perch) but your monitor doesn't want to use the "poop station" you set up for him.

...your family website has more photos of your geckos than of your family.

... you let a 4-foot boa climb up your pony tail and then down your face as you read the "you might be a herper if..." pages. (Yes, Eva is slithering down my nose while my baby boa da Vinci is chilling in my lap! ;)

…after your iguana "uses the bathroom," you make sure to wipe her off properly so she does not smell like a baby with a dirty diaper. think of the movie Anaconda as a comedy.'re looking at whole house backup power, just for your burm.

...your squeamish friends scream when they open up the refrigerator.

…there is more on you floor then just carpet (escaped crickets).

…your cat gets fat off of gut-loaded escaped crickets.

…all the horizontal space in the house is taken up with enclosures.

…all the neighborhood kids come to you to identify herps for them.

… you can no longer buy live herp food from pet stores because you need to buy in bulk.

…the zoo calls you up to ask for some info on various herps and you know the answers.

…you know all the scientific and common names of all the herps in the area.

…your mom just smiles and nods when you talk about cage setups and various herps.

…your friends know you as the "lizard lady" or "bug lady".


Karen Walker; Linda T.; Byron Sanford; Rachel; Kelly W.; Krystie G.; VH SW; Jason;

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