You Know You're Ig-Wipped When...
Compiled by Melissa Kaplan
Note: the most recent entries appear at the top of the list for the ease of returning visitors. If you have any wippisms to add, you can email them to me.
...a primary factor in determining whether a new date becomes a serious relationship is his iguana papa potential.
...you compulsively smell your iguana's sweet earthy skin while kissing her, insisting that your new boyfriend (who passed the iggy dad test) do the same.
...you and your boyfriend have nicknames for each other that are derived entirely from your roles as ig parents.
...you decline your friends' requests to join them for a weekend getaway for the sole reason that you only trust close friends with your baby iggy.
...you and your boyfriend have incorporated your imagined voice for Sammy the iguana into your everyday conversations, complete with Hispanic accent and contagious laugh.
...a class assignment to devise your own website is inexplicably taken over by a slide show of your iguana.
...you find your birthday cake covered with pictures of you nuzzling your iguana.
...your favorite color is now, without question, green.
...instead of writing an essay exam for class, due in two days, you're writing ig wippisms at midnight.
...you go out first thing in the morning to pick fresh nasturtiums in your pajamas, not caring what the neighbors think because your girls like their flowers bright and early.
...you annoy all other fruit shoppers by squeezing every mango in the store at least twice for perfect ripeness, because you don't want Inti and Emerald to have to wait for them to ripen.
...you wear your hair in a way specifically designed not to interfere with the iguana that likes to sit on your head.
...you place your bicycle in the sun on the sun porch because the iguanas like to sit on the handlebars more than the beautifully arranged driftwood/basking light set-up.
...no matter how exhausted you are at the end of the day, you take your igs out for exercise and hugs before bed.
...his fruit bowl had better fruit than yours
...you continue to try to make 'friends' with your Ig- with scratched, scabbed and still bleeding hands and forearms...
...you consider the $275.00 for a used Lizard Lounge a sound investment, knowing that in 6 months it's no longer 'big enough', and hope that a neighbor acquires an iguana so you can at least get SOME of the money you spent back by selling it to them..
You are seriously thinking about buying a larger home with an extra bedroom for your Ig..
You wear a locket with pictures of you iggy in it (yes I do) and show it every opportunity
You paint your new room green because you know your iguana would prefer it over any other colors.
You buy a kiddy pool and its not for a kid.
You get up in the middle of the night just to let the iguana use the bathroom.
Your iguana sleeps in your favorite place to sit, yet you let him stay there just because he looks so cute.
You go grocery shopping just for your animals.
...when your baby bites you and you have this big hole in your finger and you look down at her to say "That's ok, mommy probably asked for it," but if it had been anything else that bit you you would have raised nine kinds of cane about it.
You understand what your ig wants by the minute variations in head posture and eye pitch.
When you end up working an hour later, so you rush home and feed your iguanas greens you just bought especially for them, and take 30 minutes to make them so they're extra nice, while you feel extremely low for neglecting your iggies by not being home on time.
...worst of all, you don't get angry when he purposely whips his tail and breaks your stuff because it would break your heart to punish him and you feel somehow it was your fault for upsetting him...
You only date people that own reptiles.
...you've decided against having children because your ig doesn't like kids.
When you question whether or not your ig can be buried next you you.
...shopping consists of a constant search for things your ig would like and leaving the store with only things your ig would like. (What was it I was going to buy??)
You've decided that the "Lizardman" really isn't that repulsive.
You actually have a tattoo of your own reptile.
You stay home from work because your ig isn't feeling well.
...the idea of being the crazy 80 year old woman at the end of the street with iguanas running around everywhere sounds appealing.
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