Melissa Kaplan's
Herp Care Collection
Last updated January 1, 2014

You Know You're Ig-Wipped When...

Part II

Compiled by Melissa Kaplan


Note: the most recent entries appear at the top of the list for the ease of returning visitors. If you have any wippisms to add, you can email them to me.


...a primary factor in determining whether a new date becomes a serious relationship is his iguana papa potential. compulsively smell your iguana's sweet earthy skin while kissing her, insisting that your new boyfriend (who passed the iggy dad test) do the same. and your boyfriend have nicknames for each other that are derived entirely from your roles as ig parents. decline your friends' requests to join them for a weekend getaway for the sole reason that you only trust close friends with your baby iggy. and your boyfriend have incorporated your imagined voice for Sammy the iguana into your everyday conversations, complete with Hispanic accent and contagious laugh.

...a class assignment to devise your own website is inexplicably taken over by a slide show of your iguana. find your birthday cake covered with pictures of you nuzzling your iguana.

...your favorite color is now, without question, green.

...instead of writing an essay exam for class, due in two days, you're writing ig wippisms at midnight.

Elaine go out first thing in the morning to pick fresh nasturtiums in your pajamas, not caring what the neighbors think because your girls like their flowers bright and early. annoy all other fruit shoppers by squeezing every mango in the store at least twice for perfect ripeness, because you don't want Inti and Emerald to have to wait for them to ripen. wear your hair in a way specifically designed not to interfere with the iguana that likes to sit on your head. place your bicycle in the sun on the sun porch because the iguanas like to sit on the handlebars more than the beautifully arranged driftwood/basking light set-up. matter how exhausted you are at the end of the day, you take your igs out for exercise and hugs before bed.

Nathan & Angel frantically tell your boyfriend to get out of the shower, because your ig has to poop RIGHT NOW...and he does it!

...your 10-lb. male looks like he has big red puckered lips, which in reality happens to be his snout stained from the lovely fruit bowl he just scarfed.

...his fruit bowl had better fruit than yours

Tom W.'re trying to tell your buddies how interesting and fun iguanas are, and you notice they are staring at your scratched, scabbed and still bleeding hands and forearms... continue to try to make 'friends' with your Ig- with scratched, scabbed and still bleeding hands and forearms... consider the $275.00 for a used Lizard Lounge a sound investment, knowing that in 6 months it's no longer 'big enough', and hope that a neighbor acquires an iguana so you can at least get SOME of the money you spent back by selling it to them..

You are seriously thinking about buying a larger home with an extra bedroom for your Ig..

You go back to college to learn the equation to figure a proper ig diet.

You come in late for school and your teacher wants to know why and you say something about the kids baby-sitter not arriving on time. Failing to point out the the baby is green and healthy.

You wear a locket with pictures of you iggy in it (yes I do) and show it every opportunity 

You buy new couches that you don't want your iggy to ruin, but you keep the old one in the room so he doesn't have to go through withdrawal of his favorite spot.

You paint your new room green because you know your iguana would prefer it over any other colors.

You buy a kiddy pool and its not for a kid.

You get up in the middle of the night just to let the iguana use the bathroom.

Your iguana sleeps in your favorite place to sit, yet you let him stay there just because he looks so cute.

You go grocery shopping just for your animals.

You get up at 5:00 AM and you can't make too much noise until 5:15 AM when your iggy wakes up and looks at you to say "Where's breakfast?" and you have to feed her before you can pet her.

...when your baby bites you and you have this big hole in your finger and you look down at her to say "That's ok, mommy probably asked for it," but if it had been anything else that bit you you would have raised nine kinds of cane about it.

Sara G. get up in the morning and feed your green baby before your human kids. After all, they already know how to pour milk in their cereal..!

Joshua Hagen
You find yourself getting up at 7:00 AM because your iguana has woken up, and woken you up and expects breakfast.

 You understand what your ig wants by the minute variations in head posture and eye pitch.

 When you end up working an hour later, so you rush home and feed your iguanas greens you just bought especially for them, and take 30 minutes to make them so they're extra nice, while you feel extremely low for neglecting your iggies by not being home on time.

 ...worst of all, you don't get angry when he purposely whips his tail and breaks your stuff because it would break your heart to punish him and you feel somehow it was your fault for upsetting him...

You quit smoking based solely on the health of your iguana.

You only date people that own reptiles.'ve decided against having children because your ig doesn't like kids.

When you question whether or not your ig can be buried next you you. consists of a constant search for things your ig would like and leaving the store with only things your ig would like. (What was it I was going to buy??)

You've decided that the "Lizardman" really isn't that repulsive.

You actually have a tattoo of your own reptile.

You stay home from work because your ig isn't feeling well.

...the idea of being the crazy 80 year old woman at the end of the street with iguanas running around everywhere sounds appealing.

Back to You know you're ig-wipped when... Part I

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