Melissa Kaplan's
Herp Care Collection
Last updated January 1, 2014

You Might Be A Herper If...

Part II

Compiled by Melissa Kaplan


The most recent entries are listed first... really hope when you go to college in a couple years, your roomate agrees having a couple, a few, or even a half dozen snakes would be educational.'re late leaving work, you have to be out again by seven, your spouse is calling you every 10 minutes to ask how long you'll be and you've only just made it to the supermarket/grocery store. You rush past all the great offers, ignore cute babies and blank friends, saying you have to dash because the world will end if you don't get home in the next 15 minutes. But......when you get to the store where you buy your lizard her bugs, you somehow seem to have a whole hour spare to spend cooing over the cute hatchlings and chatting to the owner about the cool things your lizard has done in the last week.

...this type of thing happens at your house: Last night I was watching the movie The Prince of Egypt (the animated version of The Ten Commandments) with my five year old daughter. There is a scene which shows the Egyptian army throwing the Jewish babies to the crocodiles in the Nile river. My daughter sees this and says "Oh, no! That's awful! Poor crocodiles...they are throwing the people at them!!!" have poop samples in your handbag (for parasite check at the vet) more often than you have make-up in it.'ve ever stopped by the road at midnight to pick up some lovely stones for your enclosures.'ve ever been out after midnight with a saw, to get new branches for your lizard (the tree was already cut down, and lying beside the road).

...your colleagues stop at your desk and say "Wait a minute, have you bought two more lizards?" when they see your bakground image ...and you reply "Yes! And I've got eggs in the incubator!" and give them a happy smile.

...your friends never ask "your place or mine?" - they know that they have to come to you because you have to feed your lizards.

...all your best friends have bought 200 crickets or mealworms for you some time, even though they haven't any lizards themselves and are scared of bugs. tell your lizard that he's handsome and very masculine, more often than your boyfriend. know all your animals birth(hatching)day but aren't quite as sure about your relatives' birthdays. use the money your grandparents gave you for a birthday present to buy lizard food. slept on a naked pillow last night becuase you needed another sanke bag quick

...when a dinner guest goes to the freezer for more ice you intercept him and send him back to the table before you open the door collaborate with a seven year old friend on a parody of the "SpongeBob Square Pants" theme in honor of your ornate horned FrogBob. "Yellow, absorbent and hungry is he"

... the job interview was cancelled when the secretary announced you had arrived "with this 4 foot long 'thing' on his shoulder"'ve noticed a lot less solicitors coming to your door after hanging a sign on it reading " Please watch your step: free running reptiles throughout this house"

...examining your iguanas poop to ensure no parasites exist, but not bothering to discipline him for doing it on your $1500.00 couch. get mad at the gift shop for not having 'Merry Christmas' cards with iguanas on it.

..your perfect date invelves you, your BD and a bag of crickets.

...someone tells you their balls have mites - and you know what they mean!

...when you walk into a petstore to buy crickets and the first thing the employees say is, "How many?" go to get some dinner and it is "Chirp and Squeak" from the pet store.

...your girlfriend says that you need a new monitor and you don't go to the computer store.

...your favorite movie is still Hisssss have Hisss and Hersss towels get cracked aquariums free from garage sales, friends' garages, etc. and don't have to worry that they are not watertight

...your 13 year old son wakes you up to tell you that he caught your lizard and you have to ask him which one know which of the pet stores in your area are open late and which ones "don't sell feeders" (Not kidding!!! they sell live crickets and goldfish for feeders, but not mice!)

...your web cam shot of your Northern Alligator Lizard is also your desktop background

...your girlfriend tells you that your monitor is getting a little blurry and you tell her not to worry because he will be shedding soon are currently typing this under the watchful eye of your baby ball python "Sweety Py" as she peeks from your shirt (nice and warm and the v-neck provides the right amount of purchase for the chin to hook on and pull up the rest of the python) take your girlfriend out for "Chirp and Squeak" more often than "Surf and Turf" (that's crickets and mice for those of you who are not truly addicted to herps yet).

...when you finally do get to the Human Restaurant, you bring home the kale for your tortoise.

...your friends and family call you Ani-mommy. can't use any of the water bottles in your house because they belong to the reptiles.

... you have to go out and buy one of those $79 minifridges just so your parents (or spouse, or significant other) will let you keep mealworms (in bulk) instead of crickets for your herps.

...your wife has cold feet in bed because you gave her heating pad to the snake...and she understands! describe a 16' retic in a foul mood as "a little nippy".

...your parents kick you out but you're only 11.

...your mom isn't surprised to find a plated lizard lounging on your blinds (that happens to me alot). kill 100 mongoose a year to help out Cobras. said," Can't talk Mom,got an Anaconda to feed." actully protest to Catholic Churches about the view on snakes. hear the squeaking of newborn rats and run to tell your snakes lunch is ready cant sleep at night because you are wondering where that pregnant rat that ecaped the breeding colony is

...your children say things like "awwww! that's a really cute piece of food!"

...the school your children attend has banned you from Pet Week

...your kids play "snake and rat" instead of "cops and robbers"

...your ig gets offended when you pay attention to or feed your human children without checking with HIM first! keep your bedroom door shut and locked so your "kids" can't get in and raid thier tanks of treats spend your last three dollars on kale when you needed milk

...most of your friends perfer you come to thier house to visit have warning signs posted during rut season

...when all your houseplants have bites missing out of the leaves

...when you fear for the life of your daughter's pet guinia pigs try to convince your spouse that Mr. Cal King just got bigger, changed pattern, and changed colors and you just named it Anny the Anaconda

...when it's cheaper to breed your own food supply block traffic for miles trying to coax a snake from the middle of the road. point out to your friend that her imitation "snake-skin" shirt is inaccurate because it has Western Diamond-back rattler dorsal scale pattern with boa constrictor belly scales. get up in the morning and feed your green baby before your human kids. After all, they already know how to pour milk in their cereal..! were the only person in the theatre going, "awwww....." when the baby godzillas were hatching (in the American movie). complain to your patient friends that everyone should not have been calling the Godzilla in the American film "he" because all parthenogenic herps are essentially females...

...if your sweetie tells you that he sees the dressed-up herp "dinosaurs" in those prehistoric-themed films in a whole different light now...(started with that ig in One Million Years B,C.) are charged with babysitting hamsters and ask "where's the heat lamp?" are flattered by your adult male iguanas "advances" when in breeding season. have more pictures of your iguana than your husband on your desk atwork. comment on how long your relatives' kids have gotten. wake at regular intervals throughout the night to check the stats on your new set up.

...your dad says, "You'd love me more if I were a tadpole," and you try not to laugh and don't reply.

...after dinner the whole family sits down to read excerpts from Melissa's thesis. see a fake plant in the doctors office and instantly calculate the dimensions and how many day geckos it would hold - and you buy the plant from the secretary.

...your friends feel obligated to say hello to your snakes whenever they come to visit. send "you might be a herper" contributions with a corn snake on your face because you don't want to disturb him. (typing this with right hand, left one pinned down)

....the corn snake is now stuck in your hair, and

...the corn snake now decides to crawl in your ear. have ever been pulled over while road running and given a sobriety test.

...instead of your fingers getting bitten while feeding, your nose does (very painful, use a shield). keep all of your clothes on the floor of your bedroom because both your chest of drawers and your walk in closent have been converted to vivariums.

...your one year olds response to a dog barking at her is to lay down on her belly and hiss at it.

...your mother-in-law gets you fuzzy lizard slippers for Christmas and exclaims "The are the ugliest things I ever saw, I just knew you'd love them!" have to chase your pet's dinner all over the house because it does not except its place in the food chain (a mouse escaped).

...your response to your friend's mouse problem is to bring over live traps and a cage.

...when the cross word puzzle asks for another word for field mouse and you reply "snake food" (it did not fit).

...your favorite fiction book is RAPTOR RED (written from the velociraptor's point of view).

Mike Braaten, Liz Burgess, Colleen O'Brien, Sofia, Susan Keady, Tom Wheeler,Skayl, Heather Hertziger, geckochick, Charlie Barkin, smiles1582; RD Harper, Nate, Adam Houck, Tim Jones, Bryan, Andrewpoke, Shane & Lisa, Donald Yorks, Marty & Stephanie Clayton; Sarah, Sara G., Kathleen Francis, Cindi Lietzke, Dave Franklin, RB, Jennifer Sobecki; Alex Pryon; Alexander Loomis; Cindi Lietzke; ander055.

Back to You might be a herper if... Part I or on to Part III

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